Jill

A comics artist I've never met is making me cry right now. He's a DJ at an internet radio station. His husband died this week after a long battle with brain cancer. It is the last song of his DJ shift; the whole thing dedicated to his husband.

This morning, my coworker announced she got another grand daughter last night. This is the second in two weeks. She's off this morning so she can take care of her 17 month old grandson, the newest grand daughter's older brother.

Yesterday was picture day on the breastfeeding FB group I'm in. One mother posted a picture of her son who only lived one day. She's pumping anyway and is going to donate her milk, whatever she gets. He looks plump and scrunchy faced and big and healthy.

Next week is Xmas already. When did that happen?

I started this morning with working code.

All I did was try to move the call to one function from one area to another.

Now, all I am getting is core dump after core dump. I just want to close the window and go back to the previous window. But the wclose() function is what makes it barf. I can whide(), but then it doesn't repaint itself and all of that fun garbage.

This is the part of programming that I hate. It's not the fun discovery or planning or implementing phase anymore. It's the "Let's narrow down to the most friggin' obscure piece of 30 yr old code that you copied from one section where it worked fine but it doesn't want to work fine here." struggling phase. I love figuring stuff out, but this is more of the "using up vacation time waiting all day at the Social Security office to change your name on your card and when you are finally called to the window ten minutes before it closes, being told that you needed to get your license updated first at city hall across town, which will also close in ten minutes" kind of figuring stuff out that isn't fun.

It's a Friday afternoon. Half an hour before the end of the day. The gray matter was borked by Wednesday afternoon. I am still expecting to work on my capstone paper tonight as the deadline is looming (Monday!).

What I would really like to do is say "Fuck it. I quit," walk to the bar across the parking lot, forget my name in a couple bottles of Captain Morgan, and drunkenly decide to go swimming in the freezing, foaming, flooding Mississippi. I figure the second bottle of Morgan will numb whatever pain there is before the cold numbs the rest.

But I'm not going to do that. I'll end up resisting urges to go for a swim, and probably resisting the urge to waste the evening playing Sims, and instead prod my borked gray matter into pecking out something half legible on the laptop while the dog stares and sighs at me bored.

Update: ( There's a comic for that )

Wow.

I can't tell you how nice it is, and SHOCKING, to finally have a boss that treats me like an adult. (no offense to Lars)

Honestly.

So, with the ultimate fail that was my proposal today, I have ended the day on good notes.

Tim has the night off and greeted me at the garage door with a big hug and kiss. He's also feeling much better than he has the last few days.

And, I got the idea of possibly doing a Scrum sprint at work for my capstone project. I thought - it's a new customer and two new programmers (myself and a coworker) and then my boss all programming. Why not try this for one round? And my boss listened to me. And nodded his head. And added suggestions that we should try it and then have a review meeting at the end to see if there are better ways to do it.

This is new territory for me. In the past, it is usually a lot of hemming and hawing, if any consideration has been given to it at all, that ends in a total brush off. But not this time.

Luckily he will be in Singapore next week so I will have time to type up some rules for this Scrum sprint and research a bit and then we can hopefully run with it when we get back.

Brain hurts.

I'm in Green Bay to talk with a customer about our software and my brain is done for the day.

Also, fried onions are fucking fantastic. Even day old, cold fried onions. Fucking FANTASTIC, I tell you. And SCREW YOU Mr. Vending Machine down the hall for not taking my money and letting me have craptastic food I shouldn't eat any way.

I am not used to being on the road. I miss my home base. I miss being able to look something up on my computer. I worked all of the last two weeks to make sure I'd be able to VPN in on Tim's laptop to my work PC so that I'd be able to competently do my job today, but was foiled by the security firewall of the company here. ACCESS DENIED, indeed. VPNs work well as long as you actually have an internet connection.

Also, I was looking forward to a hotel room with a bathtub during the trip as our bathtub is currently filled with various detritus from the remodel job that is in slow motion (if not pause) right now. It is damn near impossible (and uncomfortable!) to try to shave my legs in the coffin sized shower stall we have in the downstairs bathroom. Sometimes a girl would like to shave her legs without having her knee behind her head just to reach her ankle. But alas. Somehow, the hotel looked at me and decided I needed the handicap accessible room with the shower seat. Fail!

So I've taken myself to watching Star Wars on Spike zoomed in funny on the widescreen tv. I've found that Chewbacca irritates me. Not nearly as much as Jar Jar, but I ended up turning the movie off when he was "rahr"-ing at the dismembered pieces of C3PO.

And I don't trust the alarm clock in hotels. So I set it and my cell phone alarm, but still managed to wake myself up every half hour all night to double check that I hadn't fucked up and over slept.

My co-worker Sue is a bad-ass. She's on the road constantly and just has this confidence in herself that I envy. I imagine I might be that calm if I were on the road 80% of the time like she is, but for now I'll just try to not drown myself in coffee.

I am debating that tomorrow I'll just skip trying to drive home in time to get to class at 5pm and take my time and explore Green Bay a little bit more. I saw Lambeau Field for two seconds as I passed it's exit on the freeway yesterday. Maybe tomorrow, I'll take a detour and check it out a little bit better. I haven't decided yet. Hmmm

Looking forward to dinner!!!!

Little things that frustrate me, part -100:

IBM Informix syntax: select * from mytable where myfield not matches "*REDO*";
MSQuery syntax: select * from mytable where myfield not like "%REDO%"

Thank you, that is all.

I never quite have enough ambition for all of my ambitious plans. I guess I am an ambitious planner and not an ambitious, er, doer.

Starting tomorrow, every Wednesday and Thursday I have to leave work a half an hour early in order to get to class by 5pm. The last semesters I had class, I just didn't come home those days for lunch. This semester, though, I've decided I'm going to stay late on Monday and Tuesday for half an hour so that I can still see Tim for lunch on those days.^[1] But that seems to get to be a short night.

Take tonight for example. I stayed at work until 5:28 (I got there at 7:55 so it all evens out) and then rode over to the mall to pick up my contacts I ordered.^[2] Then I drove down to and around State to see if there were any better parking spots near the building I'll have class in on Wednesdays.^[3] There weren't. I started to leave when I remebered I also wanted to find out where that class was in the building, too, as I've only ever had one class there before and that was in 2002. I figured out the best entrance for me, but am unsure on if I will have enough time in half an hour to drive from work to school, find a parking spot, and then hoof it to the building (4 blocks). I guess I could stay later on Thursday, too, but I'd really rather not...

So I did all of that and got home at about 7pm. That seems late to me, and with the sun going down sooner, it just seems to feel even later. I was hoping to have enough time and energy to still take the dog for a long walk, maybe get more done in the bathroom (I loafed last night), and then try to read the first chapter in the book for tomorrow's class. Instead, all I want to do is curl up and take a nap on the couch.

There's also the question about dinner. I have a slight delicacy when it comes to my blood sugar - I'm tired and crabby if it is low and I haven't eaten in a while. It's also hard for me to concentrate when I just want to stuff food in my mouth and I can't. The professor on Wednesday has already struck the fear in me about being late for class or having any food, beverage or gum in class. And I haven't even met him/her (it's an Indian name, so I couldn't venture a guess). So, if I leave at 4:30 from work, that does not give me any time to stop somewhere for a snack and any chance of a break in the 5 to 7:40pm class is questionable at this point. I could try to bring a sandwich and eat it at work before I leave, but there's never any guarantee that I won't be busy with calls during that time. And again, I could stay late, but would I want to?

I'm sure I'll figure it out, as I only have to do this through May and then I am HOME FREE. May just couldn't feel far enough away, yet, though...

---

I support and update a program that was originally written in the early 80s for the Apple II. So, it's not surprising that in the 20+ years of its existence, there are things in the code not everyone knows about.

It's just entertaining that I can ask the same question to two different people - both of whom are incredibly smart and know the program inside and out - and get two completely different answers.

Remember last year when I thought I might have cancer of the thyroid and luckily ended up just having a nodulous thyroid instead?

Well, my co-worker is going through the same emotional roller coaster right now. Last week he had the biopsy on his neck that I had and they brought him back in today for some blood tests because they "show a concern for thyroid cancer". He's going in for a surgical consultation this week and probably surgery after that.

It's fucking scary to throw around that 'C' word. And even worse when it looks more and more probable.

I don't know what to say to him. After he got his biopsy I was telling him my story and how the first ultra sound lady said that Minnesotans just have very nodulous thyroids. And also how cancer of the thyroid is the best to have because it is the most treatable.

I don't have any more stories left to tell.

I know lots of people say things like "You'll be in our prayers" and things like that. I know he is very active in the Catholic community here in St. Cloud, so saying something like that might be fitting, but I don't pray. I got nothin' there. I'm not sure what to think. Or to say.

Our software is going live in Sweden in June. My bosses are flying to Australia next month for a meeting with some labs there about installing down there, too. We are just about to go live in Mexico in two weeks. Our salesman has a lead in Brazil. From the Expo two weeks ago, we have an interested potential customer from the UK.

It is all I can do to not yell "SIGN ME UP!" into the phone.

I understand that while I'd be in any of these places, I'd be working. It'd be much like our trip to Dallas where the days start at 7am and end at 10pm. I'd be exhausted every day. But the food... The views... The different air...

This week has been an odd week and it is only Wednesday. But it doesn't feel like Wednesday. I've had the hardest time figuring out what day it is.

I think there is a conspiracy going on here. And I think that somehow Tim is involved, whether consciously or not. See, I tend to wear brown clothes as I think that color works on me. My husband is not a fan of brown clothes. I just realized this week that the two pairs of nice-ish brown slacks I have both need to be repaired as the cuff on the right leg of both of them has come undone. I find it too much of a coincidence that they both have the right cuff unsewn. *glares suspiciously at my right ankle*

Last night all of the co-workers and I went out to have a nice dinner. On my way home I got pulled over. I was in a mild panic. I went through my mind what I could have possibly done to get pulled over: speeding? no. swerving? no. seatbelt? on. blinker? used. I had had two small glasses of wine with dinner, but that was over a few hours and with lots of food and water mixed in.

Turns out my passenger headlight and license plate light were both out. The officer ended up just giving me a reminder - not even an official fix-it ticket - after checking my drivers license and insurance card and verifying my contacts were in. I believe the only words I said to him were "Yes, sir. No, sir. Sounds good. Thank you, sir. You, too." I promptly drove the remaining 4 blocks home and had a warm bubble bath. I'm bringing my car in this afternoon to have the lights replaced - I'm stressed out enough as it is without getting accosted by the authorities. (I'm exaggerating - the police officer was very polite. I hadn't noticed my lights were out, so I'm thankful he told me.)

I'm excited for thetim and princess_nicci's wedding this weekend. It should be a lot of fun. Then on Monday I'm flying down to Dallas for a few days for work. I'm not sure how that will be, but it's a new state on my list.

I need a nap.